Backtracking

"I have got to leave to find my way.
Watch the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes.
Nothing is going my way...
...We're closer now than light years to go. "
- R.E.M., "Find the River"

I've come a long way on my spiritual journey. My recent excursion on the trail that I've heard called "modern mysticism" has been enlightening, and has brought me full semi-circle back to re-exploring the Christian mythology and Eastern philosophy I was brought up with (I have my In Discord and Rhyme cohorts Paul and Brendan to thank for that!).

And it's good to backtrack! It's a powerful experience to go back to the beginning of a trail and not only see how far I've come, but to start anew with a fresh mind--an erased blackboard. I may see signs that I have missed, and familiar signs may reveal more.

I've been reevaluating many of the basic assumptions that lead to spiritual knowledge: concepts of Self, Reality, Life, Death, et al.

Especially have I been meditating on the Self, that pesky concept of individuality that gnaws at the edges of reality. Philosophy and mysticism have both destroyed and resurrected this critter a million times over. Yes, the Self is a distinction born of defining reality according to the boundaries of my senses. And yes, reality is essentially One Thing, Nothingness and Everythingness at the same time. But the landscape of my reality is shaped by the arbitrary "Self" definition, and though I may dissociate from time to time, even this dissociation is limited by my experience. It is unlimited in my imagination, but my imagination is limited by my mind.

--Or is it my Will?--

And so duality rears its controversial head once again, even while the horns of monism shred the boundaries of Self.

But here, at the beginning of the trail, the old questions are no longer old (and perhaps no longer questions), and I can experience the knowledge that I am yet young and have plenty of time to unravel the fabric of my reality. There's plenty of time to peer above the blanket of myself, as well as delight in the warmth of its embrace.


I'm closer now, with light years to go.

Shapeshifting

"In all of us there is a lawless side like a wild beast that peers out during sleep." - Jim Steinman.

As afternoon turns to dusk, and the September air goes from balmy to chill, I shed my clothes and return to the earthy embrace of a pine and hemlock forest.

Unfettered by artificial chains, I stalk the forest like a wolf. I sprint across unkempt trails like a deer. I dance with the stars. I undo myself.

Shapeshifting is associated with werewolves, but has a deeper significance and power. It's not only about connecting to the wild beast within. It is about connecting to "nothing" and "everything." It is a return to Chaos.

In that chill September night, I become the Horned God spiraling back to the Goddess--back to the Garden. I am the Garden; there is no seperation. Only when I am fettered by the constraints of the adult human mind--seemingly secure in its razor logic and knowledge, definitions and divisions--am I cast out of Eden. Only then do I spiral away from the Unknown God, the Goddess, the Horned God.

Trapped within "I," I suffer, for I remove myself from the Garden. As long as I live I am removed, trapped within the Temple of perception from which I interpret the world without. But when shapeshifting, I lose myself to the Wild without. I become the child again, running naked without shame or sin. Maybe not in the Garden, but a part of it, for my Temple resides there. And I can choose which windows to look out!

I return on a damp September morning to the adult human world, where I must mask myself and hold back the Garden within.